When I first started working with older adults many years ago, I always wondered why some of them were so nice and others seemed so grouchy, some were very religious and others weren’t, some were ultra conservative and other older adults seemed more liberal. I came to know Mary who was always complaining about something, usually small stuff. I wondered what happened to her to give her such a sour view on life. I asked people who had known Mary for many years why she complained so much. They all told me the same thing, Mary had always been a complainer even when she was very young. She didn’t start complaining with old age. She didn’t have something happen that made her that way. She just complained, and she wasn’t about to change now. Don’t get me wrong, her complaints didn’t bother me. Like I said, most of it was about the small stuff. That reminds me of a saying I’ve heard about worrying. There are two rules, “First, don’t worry about the small stuff. And second, it’s all small stuff.” That’s how I viewed Mary’s complaints. Nevertheless, I always listened carefully to Mary’s complaints. Sometimes she even had a good suggestion tied up inside of one of her complaints. I always tried to figure out what she was really saying, not just viewing it as another complaint from her. She expressed herself through her complaints. I guess she never learned any other way to communicate her ideas. I’ve come to find out that there are all kinds of people, regardless of age, and they don’t change much as they get older. Of course people mature as they grow older, and their knowledge and experience grow. But every one’s basic personality is formed in childhood. Mary must have learned early on how to communicate and get her way through complaining. Studies show that there are many myths about aging. As people grow older their eyes aren’t as sharp and their hearing fades a bit, but their values and basic character don’t change much. The values of Mary’s generation are strong and tightly held. Her generation formed their values during times of great change: two world wars, the “Great Depression,” and so many amazing advancements in technology. To survive and thrive through all that made it essential to have strong character and deeply felt values. Mary had strong values, too. And, she learned to express them through complaints. We all complain some, but we usually don’t mean to be difficult. Mary didn’t mean to be difficult either, she just wanted to be heard. I’m glad I took the time to listen to her complaints and really tried to understand what she meant by them. For me, it was another lesson learned. ### |
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