By S. McCann.

I worked with Franklin County Senior Services for many years and I thought I had experienced every situation that could arise with the elderly, especially since I am one too. I was wrong! The situation I found myself in while caring for my husband and my mother when they needed me most certainly opened my eyes.

I was a “caregiver”, or one of the “sandwich” generation as some writers have called us. It is estimated that 80 percent of all caregivers are daughters, sons, wives, or sisters who probably have a husband, a job and perhaps children at home or in college. We are sandwiched between our own household family and our ailing parents. We tend to not see ourselves as needing help until we can no longer cope.

Some years ago my husband had open heart valve replacement surgery and enjoyed good health for about thirteen years. Then he developed diabetes and I watched him become more frail and experience fewer days of feeling good, and eventually pass away.

I am thankful that I was there for him when he needed help as he became more dependent. He said that I was too “bossy” sometimes and wouldn’t let him do things for himself. He was right, too – caregivers tend to want to make it easy for their loved ones and help too much sometimes. I remember the Aeschylus quotation, “Sweet is a grief well ended.” He died with dignity.

In 1994, my Mother was 92 and in pretty good physical shape, but she had several mini-strokes, or TIA’s as they are called, and her short term memory had progressively gotten worse. We gradually experienced a “role-reversal”, I was the parent and she was becoming the child. For a time she was able to stay alone except for help through Shawnee Alliance for Seniors, Adult Comprehensive Care Services, and Home Delivered Meals from Franklin County Senior Services. For about eighteen months she could not stay at home without 24-hour care.

I had thought I would move my mother into the house with my husband and me, but she was as unhappy there. About this time my husband was unable to help her and my being gone at work each day made the whole thing impossible. I turned to outside help from the in-home services program and a private pay helper. Mom lived at home until August of 1994. When we had spent every cent of my mother’s savings and I was at my wit's end, the time came for the hard choice of a nursing home placement for her.

There are several good agencies to help keep your loved ones at-home until you have to make another choice. The best and quickest way to find out what in-home help is available is to call your local senior center. Or, use the link at the bottom of this page to contact us.

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By C. Green.

As a caregiver for my mother who died recently from cancer at the age of sixty-four, I am acutely aware of the problems facing many of us as our society ages. We wake up one morning and find out that we are members of the group struggling to provide care to older loved ones – whether they be a spouse, a parent, an older relative or a friend. Caregiving problems described by others suddenly become our own problems.

In the aftermath of my experiences with the terminal illness of my mother, I would like to share some of my observations in the hope that others may benefit from the things that I learned.

Avoid isolation. From this experience, I have learned the value of seeking help. Caregiving is an intense process which can be both physically and emotionally draining. There are many tasks which can be done by others and shouldn’t become the exclusive province of a single caregiver.

It’s tempting to fill your days with tasks as a way to avoid the bigger issues of loss. I have learned that although housekeeping and personal care are needed by the terminally ill, nothing is more important than spending time with your loved one.

Conserve your time and energy. Ask for and accept help from friends and family members. Organize offers of assistance so that they provide meaningful help. Utilize in home services such as home health, hospice, meal programs, etc. which will aid you in getting the essential care which your loved one needs.

Find out what your loved one wants. During my mother’s illness, I came to appreciate just how unpredictable life really is and the importance of talking about and dealing with financial issues, funeral arrangements, etc. sooner rather than later.

These are the type of issues to deal with head on in the early days of the illness so you can focus on more personally rewarding contact afterwards. There will never be any easy way to broach these issues so I found it helpful to remember that it was just as important to respect my mother’s wishes in death as in life.

Expect changes in even long established relationships. Your life will change when someone you care for is dying. Routines are disrupted and relationship roles often change as their illness progresses. This is a difficult time for both you and your loved one. We are all creatures of habit and there is a great deal of security in the status quo. Staying safely in our customary roles short changes us of many opportunities.

This can be a time for discovery for all involved if you allow yourself to look beyond the immediacy of the situation. I learned more about my mother as individual during the last months of her life than I had known in my previous forty-three years as her daughter.

Learn to just “be”. My life has been immeasurably enriched from the gift of my mother’s love and I mourn her passing. As an individual, she inspired me throughout her life but never so much as in the months preceding her death.

She spent her last eleven months focused on life and all it had to offer. Her example guided me as I struggled with the knowledge of her impending death and my pain at such loss. I learned the importance of treasuring the good things in our lives and letting go of things beyond our control.

Finally, my advice to others is to be open and understanding to those who are “hands on caregivers”. My caregiving experiences have given me a totally different perspective of the enormous difficulties which caregivers may face. Some caregivers provide daily care for family members despite their own illness or disabilities. Many provide caregiving without supportive family or friends and often without the financial resources to seek outside help.

Personal involvement leads to a new understanding of the dedication shown by such caregivers and the need for more supportive health care and social services to assist in their efforts. After my own experiences, I hope to be a more vigorous advocate for seniors in my professional life and a more compassionate individual in my personal life.

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